The Drink Talking

by Donald Goodbrand Saunders

Awright son eh? eh?
Ah kin see you think
this’s jist the drink talkin
well by the way
drink doesnae actually talk
in my experience.

’Cept mebbe the wance.
When was that ye say?
well, there was this hauf-full
(awright, hauf-empty
ya smartarse numpty)
onyway, this bottle of ecks ecks ecks
ecks— howma doin— ecks
Napoleon Brandy
five a cloak wan mornin
the arse end o
wan o thae west en parties
(ay, Ah’m gaun back a bit)
an aw it said wis
keep yer fuckin hauns aff me
ya sick bastart. Course Ah’d mair sense
’n tae answer it and onyways
Ah wis embarkin on
a long-term relationship
wi a six pack of Superlager
so it wis nae skin aff ma nose
if some foreign swally got a bit lippy
but nex mornin
Ah got tae thinkin an ...

Where was Ah?
Ay, ken thae
messages in bottles
yer shipwrecked punters
heave intae the sea?
Well, Ah wis mair intae
bottles in ma messages
in thae days. A castaway
wi a takeaway
ye might say an Ah wisnae
lookin tae be rescued no siree ...

You’re an educatit man son
naw y’are, Ah kin tell, so tell me this —
in vino veritas. Eh that means
bevvy tells the truth right?
But whit if it’s tellin ye
it’s no tellin ye anythin
Eh? Eh?

What’s that son?
what would I say to a wee half?
nae worries but,
it’s jist Ah cannae be sure ...
what would the wee hauf no say tae me?